Most patch notes are boring. Fixed a bug that stopped a menu from opening properly. D.Va’s Defense Matrix doesn’t last as long. Wukong’s attack speed is 10 percent slower. That’s the usual stuff, chronicling important but dull balance changes across years of a game’s life. And then there are patch notes like this: “Added cat butchery.” “Made all undead respectful of one another.” “Tigerman does not have ears.”
That’s the good stuff.
Those are the kinds of wonderfully crazy patch notes Dwarf Fortress has . Determined to top the absurdity of Dwarf Fortress’s bizarre changelogs, I put on my deerstalker, grabbed my magnifying glass, and set out to find the strangest patch notes in the history of PC gaming. These absurdities are the result.
- Colonists will visit graves of dead colonists for a joy activity.
- New alert: Unhappy nudity
- Raiders will no longer compulsively attack doors.
- Rhinos should no longer try to walk through players
- Emus now give less XP
- Players can no longer use chairs to travel great distances
- Imps, ostriches and other non-humanoids no longer go bonkers if you hit them with a truncheon
- Seeing dead people can now lead to great rewards
- Fixed a small issue where a player in some instances could walk underwater.
- Bucket no longer hostile to peacekeepers
- Pumpkins only have 1 season (instead of 7)
August 28, 2014
- Bald inmate digging grows hair bug fixed
- The game will no longer look for the square root of zero.
- Mice can no longer spawn in hell
- Red Stucco no longer spreads corruption.
The Sims 4
- Sims carving pumpkins or working at a woodworking table will no longer ignore Sims who die near them.
- Babies will no longer send text messages congratulating your Sims on their marriage, engagement, or pregnancy.
- Confident children will no longer get a whim to practice pick-up lines.
- Babies will no longer change skin tone when they are picked up.
January 29th 2013
- Darts and poop won’t magically accumulate at the world origin.
October 1st 2013
- You can no longer trade with sleeping pigs.
November 19th 2013
- You can properly deploy or murder captured butterflies
Ark: Survival Evolved
- Beers can no longer be eaten by Dinos
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
- Taking items from dead owned creatures is no longer a crime
World of Warcraft
- The quest NPC Khan Jehn no longer becomes confused and unresponsive
- Roast Raptor now has an more appropriate inventory sound
- Fixed an error where some characters appeared to be drinking while standing up
- Zapetta will no longer become confused about whether the zeppelin in Orgrimmar is arriving or leaving
- Yaaarrrr! now has a detailed tooltip
- Fixed : Dead or jailed people don’t answer their phones
- Fixed : LAN Spoof progress graphic overflow
- Fixed : Time freezing and unclickable buttons on computers running for several weeks
July 10, 2001
- Reevaluated the values of the various fish fillets
August 15, 2001
- The Giant Tree Flayer is now Large instead of Tiny
December 6, 2001
- Fixed a bug that was preventing characters from being bald
Two Worlds 2
- Horse behaviour – improved
- Bots do not jump in and out of vehicles anymore
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
- Dead party members will no longer show up later in the game. What with them
being dead and all
Black and White
- The word “Death” no longer said when villagers die of old age
- Creature doesn’t become constipated if you punish him for pooing
No One Lives Forever 2
- Fixed problems with camera rotation after slipping on a banana
Hitman: Codename 47